Kristen Janell: 2012

Today: Run, shower, job interview, teach 3 piano lessons, call-back auditions for NW Children’s Theatre’s “Peter Pan,” meet nice guy for dinner (2nd date).

Tomorrow: Early morning breakfast with college friend in town, teach 2 hours of music camp, lunch with professional mentor to discuss upcoming job interview, running club 5k and social time.

Oregon 2012 Summer: It’s been a tale of two mottos: “Relax and wait.” and “Pack in as much as you can!” In other words, focused stillness vs frenzied activity. Living in the Pacific NW kind of provides that, especially for us teachers who don’t work (much) in the summer. The rhythm of the school year envelopes us in gray dark mornings where coffee and work dominates. Then summer arrives with its rush of warmth and blinding sunshine and exploding gardens and this whole city bikes around, lingering in the parks, drinking cocktails with friends on patios late into the evening, packing their cars to go to the beach or the mountains, listening to lots of music.

I’m (trying to) relax and wait on the top level good things in life—a job I love, a person I love, knowing the lower levels are solidly in place. Thank you, sweet life.

Jul 05

I’m getting there

Love Song for the Newly Divorced

One day, you will awake from your covering

and that heart of yours will be totally mended,

and there will be no more burning within.

The owl, calling in the setting of the sun

and the deer path, all erased.

And there will be no more need for love

or lovers or fears of losing lovers

and there will be no more burning timbers

with which to light a new fire,

and there will be no more husbands or people

related to husbands, and there will be no more

tears or reason to shed your tears.

You will be as mended as the bridge

the working crew has just reopened.

The thick air will be vanquished with the tide

and the river that was corrupted by lies

will be cleansed and totally free.

And the rooster will call in the setting sun

and the sun will beckon homeward,

hiding behind your one tree that was not felled.

May 30

How I am, tonight

I’m feeling my heart pulled in three directions, and each way looks murky and uncertain anyways.

I’m feeling jealous, so jealous of the tiny comments I hear my kids make when they return to my home. Comments about new kites, or being buried in the sand, or birthday parties for imaginary puppies. Why didn’t he have energy like that for me, for our family when we were a family? Sometimes I feel like I was swapped out.

I’m feeling scared of empty days alone this summer, and full days with kids. Also scared of no job security and another year of scraping by, still lonely and still no classroom of my own. Anxiety returns to my stomach, my shoulders and my forehead.

I know I am loved and appreciated by a few. I know I am a good teacher. I know my body is strong and healthy. I know my children adore me and when they snuggle up on my chest at bedtime and whisper their “I love yous” that they don’t compare me with anyone else. I know I will be and am okay.

May 16

Kids and I had a wonderful Mothers Day together at Cannon Beach, complete with bright blue skies and summery air. I got lots of hugs and I Love You’s and I feel incredibly blessed to be their mother.

Apr 28

Waiting patiently for his pancakes. Jonathan is definitely an introvert, and keeps his opinions on life to himself for the most part, but he’s also curious and silly, observant and oh so lovable.

My beautiful vivacious girl. I just started reading Reviving Ophelia for this month’s book club—at the park watching my daughter encourage and commandeer a group of kids to play “Nature Princess” with her. I know I have a long time until her adolescence—but God, I hope culture and hormones don’t make her ever think she should squelch her zeal and natural leadership…